I live with my parents and I’m okay with that

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I say to people that I’m thinking about moving to LA next year even though I don’t really want to.

It’s not that I don’t like LA. My partner lives there. I used to live in New York City. LA almost makes me feel how I felt when I lived in New York. (Although I enjoy New York much more than LA.)

But I say that I’m thinking of moving to LA next year because I want people to think that I’m moving out of my parents’ house after moving back when the pandemic started. I don’t like to admit that I live with my parents. I feel like a loser saying that. I’d rather put out the perception that I’m always on the road, climbing outside, constantly in different places, and taking advantage of remote work. All of that is true. At least to me. I just don’t share with people that my true home base for the last two years has been my parents’ place in Temecula, CA, the city I grew up in.

 
 
 

I wouldn’t be able to live the way I live without living in my mom and dad’s house. It’s been great for my wallet. I no longer pay $1350/month for rent. I saved up for a truck. I base myself in different cities when I decide to. My brother and sister also lived at home in 2020 and 2021 when they were working and schooling remotely.

But the benefits of living at home have been more than financial. The benefits are spiritual too. My parents and I eat lunch together Monday through Thursday, the days we work from home. We talk about our days at lunch. We have some great conversations. My dad told me once how he pooped in the middle of a Zoom call. He forgot to hit the mute button. His classmates now call him battleshit.

 

Dad getting his Master’s in Cybersecurity, 5/20/22

 

When the pandemic started, my parents decided to get degrees. My dad served in the navy before I was born, so they were able to get the Veteran’s Association to pay for their college degrees in full. Since moving to the US from the Philippines, they’ve always wanted to go back to school. They just were busy with raising me, my brother, and my sister, and they also sort of got obsessed with house flipping for fifteen years. Now, my dad just graduated with his Master’s in Cybersecurity. What nerds.

In the house, my mom often shares what she learns in her leadership and psychology classes. She knows I love both topics. “Nonviolent communication is really transforming the way me and Dad communicate!” After being a nurse for over twenty years, she’s considering getting her Master’s and doing counseling work.

 

Sticky note near my Mom’s desk. The nonviolent communication framework.

 

Mine and my brother’s friends love my parents. They come over all the time: after a climbing trip, for brunch, when my brother cooks. We all eat, drink, pontificate on life, and laugh a ton. Almost no subject is off the table: career, mental health, psychedelics, real estate, evolving past old Filipino assumptions. My brother’s boyfriend calls my mom 'mom' and my dad 'pops.' My mom calls my partner and my brother’s boyfriend their extended children.

Sometimes I’ll hear my friends say that they’ve never felt what they’ve felt with my parents with their parents. I’m always proud to be my parents’ son when I hear this.

I reconnected with a childhood friend recently. We used to play basketball together. I introduced him to Jordans and Kanye West. My childhood friend’s mom and sister passed away from ataxia when he was twenty-one. Twenty-one. He and my dad cried when they hugged each other at his mom’s funeral. When my childhood friend and I reconnected over FaceTime, he shared he remembers my mom and dad always hosting people over. I told him that they still host. Always hosting people, always laughing, always having a good time. My parents and I hosted him and his fiancé this Saturday at our house.

As much as I’d like to think that I’m the reason I can spend my days climbing, traveling, and designing my life in the way I want to live it, my parents are the reason I can spend my days the way I do. They support my outdoor climbing. Even though I broke my ankle when I climbed outside for the first time. (I climb outdoors almost every weekend now.) They support me working a four-day workweek because they believe that work shouldn’t be the driving force of your life (they believe love should be). They listen to me to talk about all my work problems, and still somehow find the right advice to give even though they don’t know much about product management or organizational design. They also ask for my advice about school. I listen. I give them tips based on my own college experience. Our relationship has grown to be very bidirectional.

 

Bench closer to you: Kayla & Mo. Bench further from you: Ally (my sister), Nanay Zeny (my grandma), and Mom.

 

I choose to live with my parents even though I make a six-figure salary. I don’t see me currently living with my parents as a “loser” thing. And honestly, I’m disappointed by how Western standards obsess over independence and lead kids to think that they should never talk to their parents. We are interdependent as humans. I’m constantly around people I love. My dogs are here. My brother occasionally drops by. I don’t pay $1350 for rent anymore. I’m near Black Mountain, my favorite outdoor climbing area in California. I can work in Bishop or Santa Cruz or New York whenever I want to. And I have a place of love, healing, and learning that I can return to. I won’t be here forever. But today, I choose to be here.

I acknowledge how privileged I am. Not everyone has the experience I have with my parents. And our family dynamics aren’t perfect. But we talk about it — something many Filipino families struggle to do.

They always remind me and my siblings that they’ll die one day. My Nanay (grandma) also lives in the house sometimes. We joke that she works the most out of all of us because she’s at the house the least. She says, “Maikli lang ang buhay.” Life is short.

After my dad’s graduation, my mom asked him what he wants to do next. He said, “Leave Temecula, move to the bay area, and teach.”

I responded with, “That’s funny. I’m thinking about moving to a city too.”