how to not be a flake
That dinner you said yes to? C’mon. You really didn’t want to go. You definitely flaked on that dinner.
When you host your own party and invite others to come, you get a 20 people saying “yeah def!”. But how many people show up? 10. Flakes!
People near my age (I’m 29) often flake on things. I’m trying to understand why.
I think part of why we flake so much is because we fear missing out. We immediately say “yes” when being invited to something. If we say “no”, we remove a possible awesome option. So we say yes to keep our possible awesome options open. Knowing that we can always flake later. We like being invited more than we like actually going.
“I can’t go anymore, sorry!” Flaking is also a couple taps and send. You’ve officially flaked. Sometimes, you don’t even get a text. You get ghosted!
Let’s imagine two variables:
The # of times you say “Yes, I’ll go to your thing!”
The # of times you go to the thing you said yes to
I’m trying to keep my me-going-to-the-thing-I-said-yes-to (2) to yes-I’ll-go-to-your-thing (1) ratio close to 1:1. I don’t want to attend 5 of the 10 events I say yes to — I’d rather say yes to 5 and go to all of them. I want the organizer to trust me when I say I’m going.
Don’t take this as virtue signaling. I’ve definitely flaked on things I’ve said yes to. But trying to keep the ratio 1:1 means that if I don’t want to go, I have no choice but to say…
“I’m bummed I won’t be able to make it!” or
“Thanks for the invite! I’ll let you know if I can for sure attend.”
Saying this is harder than it seems! I feel like I’m disappointing that person when I say this.
I know the idea of a keeping a 1:1 ratio doesn’t resonate with everyone. If that’s you, think about it like this: you want people to believe you when you say you’re going to their thing. Because c’mon. We all have that one friend who says “yeah I’m in” and you know that they’re not going because they never show up.
Also. Here’s not what I mean by flaking:
You say yes 5 days prior to the thing. The day before, you feel socially drained. You let your friend know that you need time to yourself.
You RSVP “yes” to a work meeting 2 weeks ahead of time. 5 days leading up to it, you need to cull down on the # of meetings you’re in to prioritize focus time. You change your RSVP to “no” and communicate that ahead of time. Your team understands and is fully capable of running that meeting without you.
You say “yes, I’m super down to climb with you on Saturday” to a friend. Friday, your body feels thrashed from overtraining. You’ve gotten injuries in the past by overtraining, so you know it’s best not to climb hard. You let them know you won’t be climbing hard Saturday, but are happy to belay them and support them in climbing hard.
Anyway. The more I write these examples, the more I realize some borderline “debatably flaking.” This stuff isn’t black and white.
But I do know that I value people who keep their word. In an age of flaking-as-the-norm, I feel refreshed when I meet someone who says they’re going and actually goes. I’m trying to do this.
Say yes to things that you know for you want to go to. If your gut isn’t screaming “fuck yes”, consider no. Keep that ratio 1:1.
If you’re reading this and are thinking “man, is Tim calling me out for flaking on him?” I’m not! This post ain’t about you, bro. Carry on. Again, I’m just attempting to understand why flaking is a norm. Writing is a way I try to understand things.