2023 Year in Review
Climbing year in review đź”— here!
This below is more personal and not entirely about climbing.
The Tyranny of More and The Power of Enough
Every year, I set a theme. A yearly theme is a word in my mind that stays present as I make decisions daily.
It’s not a New Year’s resolution that I can ✅ check off. Nor is it a 🎯 SMART goal.
A theme is a frame for the year, the ambient idea that persists as I change, and the soil in which I, my efforts, and my relationships can grow.
Some past yearly themes of mine:
2017: Self-Compassion
2018: Contribution
2019: Ownership
2020: Ease & Self-Trust
The theme that’s come up for me this year is Enough.
I am doing enough.
I am working on enough projects.
I am putting enough effort into my climbing.
My relationships are enough.
The money I make is enough.
The one truck I own is enough.
The amount of space I live in is enough.
The clothes I have are enough.
I am enough.
Contrast enough with more.
More money. More clients. More friends. More sends. More trips. More experiences. More time off. More training. More job opportunities. More blog posts.
Capitalism feeds into more. We want more, so we get it. And then we see that there’s more to buy, more to try, more to do. So we get even more. Our money, time, and attention for more. More more more.
More feeds into The Corporation’s ability to define what’s enough for us, rather than our ability to define what’s enough for ourselves. We buy cool pants from an Instagram ad. Instagram profits. The pants brand profits. The pant brand relies on Instagram ads to sell more, Instagram sees that we like those pants, so they target us with another pair of pants. And then we buy the second pair. More data to the algorithm, more ads, more purchasing, more data.
More feeds into…
Tech laying off 261,997 employees in 2023. Unchecked growth.
You and all your friends feeling burnt out from your jobs.
You staying up ’til 2am on TikTok.
Never feeling like you're on top of your email, iMessages, Slack messages, WhatsApp messages, Discord messages.
Peacock. Netflix. YouTube TV. Hulu. What do I subscribe to…
Never feeling like you've watched all the shows out there.
Never feeling good or strong enough as a climber, writer, designer, creator, or person.
Back in 2020, I tweeted this quote from a blog post by Frida on being a minority in the design industry:
I even came to think that I was not good enough and that is why I think it is important to talk about privileges; you can spend your life thinking that what you do is not enough and not understand all the factors that influence the result.
This year, I struggled with feelings here and there of not feeling like I was enough. The story I often told myself was: “I achieved this major goal — something I’ve always wanted to achieve. But I still feel like it’s not enough.” I started to be compassionate towards myself in those moments — “I’m thinking this way because of X, Y, and Z factors. No achievement will ever make me feel enough. Only me.”
In those moments where I’d practice self-compassion, my mind would ease. The ocean waters would still, and the choppy waves ceased. I could hear the pigeons outside my old apartment in the Upper East Side, the very smell of Delizia's pizza around the corner. I'd even feel the exact 23mph wind I felt on the day I sent Fear & Loathing.
The mind is a wonderful thing.
Defining what’s enough for me is a radical act. It grasps it at the root. It’s exactly what capitalism doesn’t want you to do. Which is why I’m doing this.
My definition of enough
In the Pathless Path, Paul Millerd captured his definition of enough:
Enough is knowing that no amount in my bank account will ever satisfy my deepest fears. It’s knowing that I have enough friends that would gladly open their door and share a meal if I was ever in need. It’s the feeling that I’ve been able to spend my time over an extended stretch of time working on projects that are meaningful to me, helping people with a spirit of generosity, and having enough space and time in my life to stay energized to keep doing this over the long-term. Enough is seeing a clear opportunity that will increase my earnings in the short-term, but knowing that saying “no” will open me up to things that might be even more valuable in ways that are hard to understand. Enough is knowing that the clothes, fancy meal, or latest gadget will not make me happier, but also that buying such things won’t mean I’m going to end up broke,. Enough is having meaningful conversations with people that inspire me, people that I love, or people that support me.
Here’s my work-in-progress definition of enough:
Enough is expanding my capabilities in movement (currently, as a climber). And always having the choice to move. This means knowing when I’m pushing myself to a point where it may compromise future movement (aka, don’t injure myself).
Enough is playing the career game I want to play. It’s staying in my game. It’s being fascinated by how organizations work, knowing that organizations are a powerful vehicle for making a positive impact, and having the agency to support organizations I believe in with the skills I have. And, enough is knowing no organization will ever fulfill me in the way I can fulfill myself.
Enough is embarking on climbing goals with others who share similar goals and values. We can share similar values, but if we don’t have similar goals, it’s okay that we don’t climb together often. We can still be friends. And if we share similar goals, but not similar values, it is also okay that we don’t climb together often.
Enough is going on trips with people I love, having meaningful conversations, welcoming differences in opinion and lived experiences, yet sharing a common value toward growth.
Enough saying yes from a place of abundance. Rather than scarcity. I don’t need to go to this event, this trip, or this meeting because I’m lacking. I want to go because it aligns with my values, or it’s helping me discover new values I’m curious about. Enough is being friends with FOMO.
Enough is choosing to be kind. Because kindness is strategic and necessary, as Waymond Wang in Everything Everywhere All At Once put it. It’s being open to the possibility that not everyone is in a place to return my kindness, and knowing when it’s okay to stop pouring my energy toward that person.
Enough is breathing. Deeply.
Enough is writing the kind of writing I want to see more of.
Enough is loving another person who’s also defining their version of enough. Who reminds me I’m enough, and who I remind is enough. It’s laughing with that person, crying with them, observing with them, learning with them, loving with them. Knowing that while we’re both flawed and still don’t know who we are, we’re doing our best to meet each other’s needs. And it’ll be damn fun.
Enough is being a present as a brother, son, and grandson. It’s knowing that while family isn’t forever, my family is a constant in a changing world. Enough is finding comfort in the fact that we’re a work-in-progress, being proud that we demonstrate the very idea that love is the underlying force for positive change. We practice love, we are the praxis of love. It’s being inspired that my friends feel seen, understood, listened to, and loved by my parents.
But… aren’t you worried you’ll lose your ambition?
Nope.
Clarifying my enough doesn’t necessarily mean I’ll lose my ambition. I’ve always been an ambitious person. Goals and plans have filled my notebooks for over a decade, they’ve traveled the pathways of my brain and made their way toward my actions.
I think defining my enough clarifies what I want to be ambitious towards. Since I was a kid, I believed I could do anything I set my mind to. But I can’t do everything I set my mind to. Life is finite. 4000 weeks is the average length of a life. That’s not a long time.
Enough directs my ambition. It’s a necessary companion, a friend of ambition. It helps me dream. It puts the pen in my hand to be the author of my story.
Aspiration over ambition in 2023
Enough acknowledges that my ambitions will change as I change. I like how Agnes Callard distinguishes aspiration from ambition. While ambition is you acting based on existing values, aspiration is you trying on the values you hope one day to possess. Ambition is becoming more senior in your job, while aspiration is taking that dance class you’ve always wanted to take but have been hesitant to because you’re afraid of looking foolish in front of people.
In 2023, aspiration for me was:
Sunsetting my past newsletter. I’m proud of where The Overlap went, and I’m proud of myself letting it come to its natural conclusion. I wanted to create space to let my writing meander, away from business, product, org development. Some notable essays: relearning rest, safety is a personal choice, embrace non-linear growth.
Deciding to be an independent consultant after losing my full-time job in August. I’ve wrapped up 3 client gigs since then, landed a dream project with Global Climbing Initiative to support two climbing organizations in the Philippines, and have a ton of freedom over my time and how I work. Some of you know that I’ve wanted to be independent for some time now. I’ve told you that I’m nervous and excited. I’m still nervous and excited five months in.
Co-organizing an event at my local gym to spread awareness about climbing in the Philippines. This helped more Filipino American climbers in LA learn about the climbing crags and communities in the Philippines, helped GCI raise some funds, opened up the conversation around the dream project mentioned above, and even gave me an idea to start a podcast interviewing Filipino climbers and route setters.
Deciding to project my first 5.12a after only focusing on bouldering for 3 years. I sent that thing, which opened me up to sending two more 5.12a’s.
Deciding to hire a guide to lead me on multi-pitch in Yosemite. This opened me up to leading my first multi-pitch in Squamish, which opened me up to eventually getting to pitch 7 on Levitation 29.
Moving in with Kayla in Echo Park after being part nomad, part staying with our parents. While living with our parents, we traveled for 1.5 years. We’re grateful for the amazing adventures and the friends we’ve made, and are happy to feel grounded here in Los Angeles. We’re now scheming a move to her grandma’s former place in Los Feliz, which is hugely meaningful to her having grown up in that household.
I had no idea I’d do these things January 2023.
If I was just ambitious, I’d pursue the same endeavors I was pursuing even harder. I’d continue being a leader at the agency I was working at, while searching for a higher-paying product manager job. I’d continue to force myself to write The Overlap when I knew I wanted to write about other things. I’d continue to just do harder boulder problems.
But if I was just ambitions, I wouldn’t have sent my first 5.12a, led my first multi pitch, helped organize Philippines Climb Night, started writing about climbing, and went off on my own as an independent consultant. If I was just ambitious, GCI and I wouldn’t be working together to support climbing communities in the Philippines.
Aspiration helped me discover those new things.
We learn who we are—in practice, not in theory—by testing reality, not by looking inside. We discover the true possibilities by doing—trying out new activities, reaching out to new groups, finding new role models, and reworking our story as we tell it to those around us.
—Hermana Ibarra in Working Identity
Enough: My Theme For 2024
That’s… enough for a blog post. I’m fucking pumped for this year.
I’ll leave with you the five questions I was left with at the end of Four Thousand Weeks:
Where in your life or your work are you currently pursuing comfort, when what’s called for is a little discomfort?
Are you holding yourself to, and judging yourself by, standards of productivity or performance that are impossible to meet?
In what ways have you yet to accept the fact that you are who you are, not the person you think you ought to be?
In which areas of life are you still holding back until you feel like you know what you're doing?
How would you spend your days differently if you didn't care so much about seeing your actions reach fruition?
I’ll throw in one more question.
What is your version of enough?